90...and Counting

Last night, I joined my mom, sister and niece in giving my dad a cake at a CA (Cocaine Anonymous) meeting for his 20th sobriety birthday. It was an interesting experience. We did the same thing last year for his 19th birthday and I spent most of the meeting outside on the phone talking about how much I wanted to get high. This year, having been marijuana free for over 90 days, I had a whole different perspective.

I've never been a fan of the 12 Step ideology. My dad got sober when I was five and I probably knew the 12 Steps before I knew how to write my own name. As a little girl, I frequently accompanied him to meetings. I've always had a sense of pride about my father's sobriety and have a great deal of respect for anyone who has conquered their addiction. But as I grew up and developed my sense of understanding about the existance of a higher power, the 12 Step program didn't really fit with my feelings on the topic. They always talked about God, and I didn't do God. When I began to identify some of the issues I held with my father, most of which revolved around his addiction, I tried Al-anon. But it just wasn't my thing. I spent so much time trying to block out all that God mumbo-jumbo, that I wasn't hearing much of anything.

The outpatient program I do, uses the 12 Steps, but within their own program. And while I still have issues with a lot of it, it is a better fit for me. Quitting marijuana was never going to be the solution to my problem. My issues lay in the mental and emotional realm. For me, marijuana use was meerly a vain attempt at self-help. I still don't see myself as an addict. I had a substanse abuse problem.

When I started smoking, it was for fun. Something to do once in a while, like drinking. It stayed that way for a long time, for as long as I was healthy. But as my depression crept back up, my motivation for smoking changed. I was getting high to avoid dealing with all the feelings I was having. And before long, I was pretty much always high. Once I sought treatment and began to recieve the help I really needed, quitting marijuana was easy. It was never the solution I was looking for.

On Thursday, I hit 90 days of sobriety. Now, I should be honest and admit that I still drink. And if I were to tell one of my counselors or someone in a 12 Step program, they would tell me that I don't have a single day of sobriety. But like I said...I still have my issues with the program. I'm very proud of my accomplishment. Honestly, I didn't think it would be as easy as it has been. I don't know if I'll ever smoke again. I've kind of lost interest, but that could always change.

I've made a lot of headway since I quit. I'll never know how much of that is due to sobriety and how much is a result of intensive treatment and medication, but I don't doubt that it helped.