Reflections on 2009

Is it just me, or do you cringe when you hear the term New Year's Resolutions?  It drudges up the memory of all those lists made, each year, with the best of intentions, that inevitibly end up buried in my journal or discarded in a cleaning frenzy.  But regardless of my feelings about the idea, every year, without fail, I am compelled to make a new list.

This year, I've decided to blog my resolutions.  So the theory is, if I put it where other people can actually see it, there is the added element of accountability.

Resolutions Goals and Ambitions 2010

1. Continue to maintain and improve my mental/emotional well being.
2. Remain marijuana and cigarette free.
3. Make my overall health a priority (get enough sleep, be concious of what I'm putting in my body, exercise more, treat my body well).
4. Swim regularly.
5. Establish and maintain healthy relationships. Socialize more (reconnect with friends I've isolated from and make new friends).
6. Learn to feel complete without being in a relationship.
7. Continue to work towards completing my Bachelor's degree.
8. Successfully maintain a job.
9. Continue to explore my own spirituality.
10. Complete the 12 steps.
11. Don't make promises I can't keep and keep the promises I make.
12. Be less judgemental, more positive and more accepting.
13. Break away from/resolve/restructure unhealthy relationships.
14. Work towards finacial stability and independence.
15. Read more. Write more. Blog more. Put my creativity to use regularly.
16. Be accountable, reliable and dependable.
17. Procrastinate less.

I know what you're thinking.  That's a pretty serious list there, especially for someone who admits they never hold themselves to said list.  But let's reflect. Items 1, 2, 5, 7, 9, 10, 12, 15, 16 and 17 are all things I have already begun to work on.  I'm meerly acknowledging the importance of continuing to work on these things.  So that leaves only 7 items that I have to start working towards.  I tried not to make my goals definitive.  For instance, I want to work toward financial stability and independence, rather than achieve it.  I'm being realistic.  The economy sucks and who knows what the next year will bring.  The best I can do is to put the effort forth to make progress in this department, whether that means beginning to pay off my debt, starting a savings account or just getting more responsible about not incurring more debt, who knows.  It all depends on what lays ahead, but the intention is to focus on that long-term goal and do what I can to make baby steps in that right direction.

So, perhaps, at the end of 2010, I will actually be able to look back and check off some of that list.  The goal is not to set myself up for failure.  This year has been rough, to say the least, and next year is already shaping up to be another year of challenges, but, right now, I feel much more prepared to field those challenges as they come.  Instead of derailing me, as many of this year's challenges did, I am confident that next year, I will be able to take life's challenges in stride.

I've made it through a lot this year and I feel it's important to reflect on that.  So here's a brief year in review, in no particular order...

Lived with my ex-boyfriend for 11 months of the year; Took medical leave from work due to depression; Checked into an Intensive Outpatient Program for depression; Death of my brother-in-law; Quitting marijuana; Quitting cigarettes; Moving out of my own apt and back in with mom, sis and niece;  Sis and niece moved into their own place; Went on temporary Disability; Lost my health insurance; Turned 25; Maddi's 1st birthday; Trip to Indiana/Illinois with Dan; Trip to San Louis Obispo; Car got reposessed; Got another car; Ongoing financial struggle; Made new friends; Distanced myself from not so good friends; Went back to school; Lots and lots of therapy; Got closer to my family; Started swimming again, sometimes; Death of my paternal grandmother; Death of an old friend; Way too many funerals; Discovering/experiencing mediumship; Exploring my spirituality; Started a blog; Got my driver's license back; Dad diagnosed with cancer; Feeling healthier; Spent time with old friends; Hundreds of tears shed; Thousands of memories made.

In spite of all the challenges that this past year has brought, I've grown a lot and I'm in a much better place now than I was at the year's start.  And as difficult as all those bumps in the road were, I know that they greatly contributed to my growth and healing.  The death of my brother in law has definitely been the single most life altering event of the year.  His passing has brought me closer to my family, introduced me to new and wonderful people, invited me to explore my spirituality in new and thought provoking ways, appreciate the preciousness of life and has greatly incouraged and influenced my own healing and personal growth and I want to acknowledge the importance of that.  Observing those around me, I know that I am not the only one who has experienced the positive ripple effect of his passing.  I can only hope, that where ever he is now, that he is aware and can appreciate the gifts that he has given us all.

So, with a great sense of relief and just a touch of sadness, I say goodbye to 2009.  And with anticipation, hope and a big, deep breath, I welcome the coming of 2010 and all that it may bring.

Happy New Year everyone!  Please be safe and responsible tonight.  See you next year!