Fuck Buddies

NOTE:  For those of you who read my blog and don't feel the need to know the intricacies of my sex life - ahem, mom, this means you - might I recommend that you skip right on over this post.  Now you can't say I didn't warn you. =)

So it seems that along with all the energy that the Adderall has provided me, comes a renewed sex drive.  And this has its plusses and minuses.

Plus:  Umm, where have you been for the last couple of years?  I was starting to think you weren't gonna make a reappearance.  I've missed you so!

Minus:  Ya, I could have used you during that last relationship I was in.  And I'm sure he would have appreciated your presence too.

Plus:  Mentally/emotionally the timing is great considering I might actually be capable of handling a functional relationship these days.

Minus:  I'm not currently in a relationship.  And considering my sex drive had taken a long leave of absense, I'm not exactly prepared to meet the needs of its sudden return!  Hence, sexual frustration.

Since then end of my last relationship...okay, lets be honest...since before the end of my last relationship, I haven't wanted to be involved with anyone.  So, I worked out a nice little arrangement with an old friend - ahem, ex-boyfriend I still have feelings for - where we meet every couple of weeks and work up a little sweat between the sheets.  And for more than a year now, this has been working really well.  I've managed to keep the remnants of my sex drive satisfied and therefore, haven't gone out in search of a relationship I didn't want and certainly couldn't handle.  With the sudden return of my sex drive, this little arrangement is no longer keeping my carnal urges in check.  So, naturally, I found someone else to pick up the slack.  Perfect solution, right?  Ya, that's what I thought...

And then, while I was busying myself sending the new boy toy dirty text messages, he responds with "Hey, can't really talk, I'm hanging out with my girl."  Umm, your girl?  Translation:  His ex that he said he was bored with, but is for some reason still hanging out with.  Granted, we're just sleeping together, so I shouldn't give two shits about what he's doing on his own time.  Which is exactly why I got really uncomfortable when I felt a pang of jealousy in my chest upon reading that.  And that's when I realized, it was time to own up to the fact that "just sex" isn't really what I wanted from him.  But instead of listening to my feelings in the first place, I let my hormones get the better of me.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I'm developing a pattern.  I get myself into these purely sexual relationships with guys that are totally emotionally unavailable.  Which would be perfect...if I didn't want the emotional end of it too.

So now I've got these 2 "fuck buddies," if you will...

Fuck buddy #1 is an ex-boyfriend, who has an on again, off again girlfriend he's hopelessly and madly in love with.  I came out of our relationship a complete emotional trainwreck and I, at least, have the common sense to know I can never go down that road again, but obviously, that doesn't stop me from sleeping with him.  And I can tell you that its the best sex I've ever had until the cows come home, but that's not really why I keep sleeping with him.  It's because its comfortable and comforting and I still get that emotional fullfilment when I'm with him.

Fuck buddy #2 is a guy I know from the treatment program I'm in (because where better to find emotionally unavailable guys!).  I realized I was attracted to him a month or two ago, but was leary of going there considering we are in therapy together, which could get awkward.  That was, until my sex drive made a sudden reappearance.  Then, instead of being patient and playing it the way I really wanted to, to see if he was really interested in me, I propositioned him...for sex.  Subtle, I know.

I should probably mention that we've only slept together once and I've had a rough week, so maybe I'm blowing this entire thing out of proportion and I should just chill the fuck out, but that's neither here nor there.

After we slept together, I noticed a few things.  One, I was totally bummed we didn't cuddle, which, if it was just sex, I would have cared less about.  Two, even though the sex was good, what I kept thinking about was kissing him and the way his arms felt around me...you know, the sappy stuff.  So, I was already beginning to think that maybe I'd let my sex drive dictate and that it was backfiring on me.  Then, when I got that text message and felt that twinge of jealousy, I was sure.  But what do I do?  Have the "I want more than just sex...I'm emotionally attached" talk?  Ugh...could I be more of a girl?  I hate taking on that role.  I'd much rather play the one in control, not the needy one.

Above and beyond the flesh and blood men in my life, I recently been feeling lonely and I sense that desire for a relationship creeping back in, which honestly, I'm not thrilled about.  I was happy, being happily single. 

There are a few outside factors that could be contributing to this sudden urge.  One, its winter and there's always been something about the cold and the rain that just makes me want to be with someone.  Two, my live-in, ex-boyfriend has finally flown the coop.  While it was definately beyond time for that to happen and I'm glad he's moved out, he has been there, pretty much everyday for the last three years.  Relationship or no relationship, there was a bond and a comfort to having him around.  So maybe I'm just itching to fill a void.  Maybe it'll pass.  But in the meantime, its driving me nuts.  And I don't have the first clue what to do about the fuck buddies...