In Search of Rainbows

By the end of the 2005 fall semester, I was sleeping constantly, failing my classes, out of a job and my relationship was falling apart.  So, I took a leave of absence from school and moved back home.  I hung on to my failing relationship for a few more months, feeling that it was all I had left.  At this point, I was spending most of my time in bed, watching tv or on my laptop.  I cut myself off from my friends and eventually from my boyfriend.

By summer, my mother was finally fed up with my moping around and insisted that I seek help.  The daily, outpatient treatment I received helped and things began to look up.  By the end of the year I was in a great relationship and by the following summer I was working again.  That was the summer of 2007.  Although I was shifting jobs frequently, I was managing to stay employed and in early 2008, my boyfriend and I moved into our own place.

Unfortunately,  this euphoria was very temporary.  Soon after we moved into our apartment, the depression began to creep back up.  Ignorantly, I ignored all the tell tale signs and went on as though everything was fine.  By the next summer, I had lost my job, my relationship was falling apart and I was miserable.  I buried myself in a cloud of pot smoke and continued to pretend.  I managed to 'fake it' until the spring of this year.  Then, I crashed and burned...again.

But this time, it was different.  I realized that I had spent the last 4 years of my life in various states of depression.  Even at the best times, I still wasn't the person I had once been.  Now, don't get me wrong, I know time changes people and I don't expect to come out on the other end unchanged, but I do expect to be up to par with the person I once was.  I feel as though these past four years have been somewhat wasted.  I've missed out on so much during that time.  So, this time around, I wasn't hopeless and wallowing.  Instead, I was frustrated and pissed off, both of which are great motivators.

I am determined to kick this depression thing once and for all.  I want to be the person I know I can be, vibrant and full of life, social and outgoing, high achieving and goal oriented, passionate and driven.  It is those things that I miss about myself and I have every intention of rediscovering them.

It's not an easy task.  In fact, it's quite a battle and a hell of a lot of work!  Furthermore, its not something that happens overnight.  Which is, perhaps, the most frustrating part.  With all the time and work that I put into getting better, I often wish I could just wake up one morning and be that person again.  But, instead it's a series of baby steps.

For the last three and a half months I've been in a treatment program, two and a half hours a day, five days a week.  On top of the time spent in group therapy, I also have homework for the program.  Once a week, I see a therapist, one-on-one.  As a stipulation of the program, I quit smoking pot.  After three and a half months, I feel a lot better.  I am much stronger emotionally.  I get out of bed everyday.  I occasionally go out with friends.  This month, I started a class at a community college.  And I am looking for part-time work.  I have come a long way, but there's still a long road ahead of me.

In spite of all my hard work, my energy level is still very low.  I have very little to do on a daily basis, but still require a nap every afternoon.  I worry about getting burnt out once I start working again.  I have difficulty getting done the things I have to do on a daily basis because my motivation is still very poor.  There are so many things I want to be doing, but I can't seem to get myself to do them.  And I still can't imagine being a full-time student and holding down a job, or the idea of having my own apartment again.

There is a long road ahead of me, but I can see the rainbow at end of it now, even if it is still a ways off.