Chapter Twenty-Five

How I Rung In 2010

2010-01-02T23:43:00.000-08:00

I rang in the new year in my most favorite of ways, surrounded by friends and strangers alike at my friend's epic, annual NYE house party. It's always a memorable event, to say the least and this year's party was no exception. New year's day we, the core group of us that help throw the party each year, surveyed the damage and trecked over to Swinger's for our always anticipated morning-after breakfast. This breakfast not only provides us with substinance we need to remedy our hang-overs and lack of sleep before we head back to the house to tackle the mess, but is also the perfect opportunity to fill each other in on the goings on of the previous night that we may have missed and can't wait to gossip about. This party, in one night, usually manages to produce enough juicy gossip to compete with 4 years of the high school grape-vine (and it certainly indulges our ever-lingering cravings for said gossip). So the breakfast conversation is a barrage of "So and so slept with who?!?!," "They did it where?," "Did you catch so and so's girlfriend chatting with his ex?," "Did you hear the dirty secret that leaked out?," "Who was that dude passed out in a puddle of his own vomit?," "I hadn't seen so and so since middle school!," "I heard there was a crack pipe in the jacuzzi.," and the ever popular, "Did you hook up with anyone last night?" While this year's morning-after breakfast certainly lent itself to the usual gossip, we were all a little pleasantly surprised by how composed everyone was this year. Perhaps it's that the vast majority of the guests are all of legal drinking age and most are probably even post-college now, so we've all grown up enough that ending a night with our head in the toilet is no longer looked at as evidence of a fun evening. And perhaps, as we grow older, more of us are in serious relationships or at least have our own places to return to before indulging in a roll in the sheets with whom ever was in kissing range when the clock struck 12. What ever the contributing factors may be, it was nice not have to clean up vomit, broken beer bottles and someone else's discarded panties this year. In fact, clean-up was refreshingly easy and relatively quick.

As for me, I drank, but not even enough to be greated with a hangover the next day. I ended the night, not by crashing, fully dressed on the floor or buck naked next to some stranger, but alone, in my pj's, cozy in bed. I had a blast ringing in the new year, even without being the answer to any of those questions posed at the breakfast table New Year's day. I was content just to be in the company of some of my favorite people (and a whole lotta strangers).

On New Year's Resolutions

2010-01-01T21:26:00.000-08:00

I'm way to exhausted from my New Year's Eve festivities to compose a real blog post. So, my official New Year's blog is still yet to come. In the meantime, I did want to urge you to check out another blogger's post that I thought tied in nicely with my previous post.

5 Ways to Achieve Your New Years Resolutions

This post is from a blog on PsychologyToday.com called The Big Questions. It is the blog of my brother-in-law's sister's husband. Did I lose you? The point is, we're family. But relations aside, it's a fantastic blog that I follow regularly.

Reflections on 2009

2009-12-31T15:41:00.000-08:00

Is it just me, or do you cringe when you hear the term New Year's Resolutions? It drudges up the memory of all those lists made, each year, with the best of intentions, that inevitibly end up buried in my journal or discarded in a cleaning frenzy. But regardless of my feelings about the idea, every year, without fail, I am compelled to make a new list.

This year, I've decided to blog my resolutions. So the theory is, if I put it where other people can actually see it, there is the added element of accountability.

~~Resolutions~~ Goals and Ambitions 2010

Continue to maintain and improve my mental/emotional well being.
Remain marijuana and cigarette free.
Make my overall health a priority (get enough sleep, be concious of what I'm putting in my body, exercise more, treat my body well).
Swim regularly.
Establish and maintain healthy relationships. Socialize more (reconnect with friends I've isolated from and make new friends).
Learn to feel complete without being in a relationship.
Continue to work towards completing my Bachelor's degree.
Successfully maintain a job.
Continue to explore my own spirituality.
Complete the 12 steps.
Don't make promises I can't keep and keep the promises I make.
Be less judgemental, more positive and more accepting.
Break away from/resolve/restructure unhealthy relationships.
Work towards finacial stability and independence.
Read more. Write more. Blog more. Put my creativity to use regularly.
Be accountable, reliable and dependable.
Procrastinate less.

I know what you're thinking. That's a pretty serious list there, especially for someone who admits they never hold themselves to said list. But let's reflect. Items 1, 2, 5, 7, 9, 10, 12, 15, 16 and 17 are all things I have already begun to work on. I'm meerly acknowledging the importance of continuing to work on these things. So that leaves only 7 items that I have to start working towards. I tried not to make my goals definitive. For instance, I want to work toward financial stability and independence, rather than achieve it. I'm being realistic. The economy sucks and who knows what the next year will bring. The best I can do is to put the effort forth to make progress in this department, whether that means beginning to pay off my debt, starting a savings account or just getting more responsible about not incurring more debt, who knows. It all depends on what lays ahead, but the intention is to focus on that long-term goal and do what I can to make baby steps in that right direction.

So, perhaps, at the end of 2010, I will actually be able to look back and check off some of that list. The goal is not to set myself up for failure. This year has been rough, to say the least, and next year is already shaping up to be another year of challenges, but, right now, I feel much more prepared to field those challenges as they come. Instead of derailing me, as many of this year's challenges did, I am confident that next year, I will be able to take life's challenges in stride.

I've made it through a lot this year and I feel it's important to reflect on that. So here's a brief year in review, in no particular order...

Lived with my ex-boyfriend for 11 months of the year; Took medical leave from work due to depression; Checked into an Intensive Outpatient Program for depression; Death of my brother-in-law; Quitting marijuana; Quitting cigarettes; Moving out of my own apt and back in with mom, sis and niece; Sis and niece moved into their own place; Went on temporary Disability; Lost my health insurance; Turned 25; Maddi's 1st birthday; Trip to Indiana/Illinois with Dan; Trip to San Louis Obispo; Car got reposessed; Got another car; Ongoing financial struggle; Made new friends; Distanced myself from not so good friends; Went back to school; Lots and lots of therapy; Got closer to my family; Started swimming again, sometimes; Death of my paternal grandmother; Death of an old friend; Way too many funerals; Discovering/experiencing mediumship; Exploring my spirituality; Started a blog; Got my driver's license back; Dad diagnosed with cancer; Feeling healthier; Spent time with old friends; Hundreds of tears shed; Thousands of memories made.

In spite of all the challenges that this past year has brought, I've grown a lot and I'm in a much better place now than I was at the year's start. And as difficult as all those bumps in the road were, I know that they greatly contributed to my growth and healing. The death of my brother in law has definitely been the single most life altering event of the year. His passing has brought me closer to my family, introduced me to new and wonderful people, invited me to explore my spirituality in new and thought provoking ways, appreciate the preciousness of life and has greatly incouraged and influenced my own healing and personal growth and I want to acknowledge the importance of that. Observing those around me, I know that I am not the only one who has experienced the positive ripple effect of his passing. I can only hope, that where ever he is now, that he is aware and can appreciate the gifts that he has given us all.

So, with a great sense of relief and just a touch of sadness, I say goodbye to 2009. And with anticipation, hope and a big, deep breath, I welcome the coming of 2010 and all that it may bring.

Happy New Year everyone! Please be safe and responsible tonight. See you next year!

Fuck Buddies

2009-12-19T00:35:00.000-08:00

NOTE: For those of you who read my blog and don't feel the need to know the intricacies of my sex life - ahem, mom, this means you - might I recommend that you skip right on over this post. Now you can't say I didn't warn you. =)

So it seems that along with all the energy that the Adderall has provided me, comes a renewed sex drive. And this has its plusses and minuses.

Plus: Umm, where have you been for the last couple of years? I was starting to think you weren't gonna make a reappearance. I've missed you so!

Minus: Ya, I could have used you during that last relationship I was in. And I'm sure he would have appreciated your presence too.

Plus: Mentally/emotionally the timing is great considering I might actually be capable of handling a functional relationship these days.

Minus: I'm not currently in a relationship. And considering my sex drive had taken a long leave of absense, I'm not exactly prepared to meet the needs of its sudden return! Hence, sexual frustration.

Since then end of my last relationship...okay, lets be honest...since before the end of my last relationship, I haven't wanted to be involved with anyone. So, I worked out a nice little arrangement with an old friend - ahem, ex-boyfriend I still have feelings for - where we meet every couple of weeks and work up a little sweat between the sheets. And for more than a year now, this has been working really well. I've managed to keep the remnants of my sex drive satisfied and therefore, haven't gone out in search of a relationship I didn't want and certainly couldn't handle. With the sudden return of my sex drive, this little arrangement is no longer keeping my carnal urges in check. So, naturally, I found someone else to pick up the slack. Perfect solution, right? Ya, that's what I thought...

And then, while I was busying myself sending the new boy toy dirty text messages, he responds with "Hey, can't really talk, I'm hanging out with my girl." Umm, your girl? Translation: His ex that he said he was bored with, but is for some reason still hanging out with. Granted, we're just sleeping together, so I shouldn't give two shits about what he's doing on his own time. Which is exactly why I got really uncomfortable when I felt a pang of jealousy in my chest upon reading that. And that's when I realized, it was time to own up to the fact that "just sex" isn't really what I wanted from him. But instead of listening to my feelings in the first place, I let my hormones get the better of me.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I'm developing a pattern. I get myself into these purely sexual relationships with guys that are totally emotionally unavailable. Which would be perfect...if I didn't want the emotional end of it too.

So now I've got these 2 "fuck buddies," if you will...

Fuck buddy #1 is an ex-boyfriend, who has an on again, off again girlfriend he's hopelessly and madly in love with. I came out of our relationship a complete emotional trainwreck and I, at least, have the common sense to know I can never go down that road again, but obviously, that doesn't stop me from sleeping with him. And I can tell you that its the best sex I've ever had until the cows come home, but that's not really why I keep sleeping with him. It's because its comfortable and comforting and I still get that emotional fullfilment when I'm with him.

Fuck buddy #2 is a guy I know from the treatment program I'm in (because where better to find emotionally unavailable guys!). I realized I was attracted to him a month or two ago, but was leary of going there considering we are in therapy together, which could get awkward. That was, until my sex drive made a sudden reappearance. Then, instead of being patient and playing it the way I really wanted to, to see if he was really interested in me, I propositioned him...for sex. Subtle, I know.

I should probably mention that we've only slept together once and I've had a rough week, so maybe I'm blowing this entire thing out of proportion and I should just chill the fuck out, but that's neither here nor there.

After we slept together, I noticed a few things. One, I was totally bummed we didn't cuddle, which, if it was just sex, I would have cared less about. Two, even though the sex was good, what I kept thinking about was kissing him and the way his arms felt around me...you know, the sappy stuff. So, I was already beginning to think that maybe I'd let my sex drive dictate and that it was backfiring on me. Then, when I got that text message and felt that twinge of jealousy, I was sure. But what do I do? Have the "I want more than just sex...I'm emotionally attached" talk? Ugh...could I be more of a girl? I hate taking on that role. I'd much rather play the one in control, not the needy one.

Above and beyond the flesh and blood men in my life, I recently been feeling lonely and I sense that desire for a relationship creeping back in, which honestly, I'm not thrilled about. I was happy, being happily single.

There are a few outside factors that could be contributing to this sudden urge. One, its winter and there's always been something about the cold and the rain that just makes me want to be with someone. Two, my live-in, ex-boyfriend has finally flown the coop. While it was definately beyond time for that to happen and I'm glad he's moved out, he has been there, pretty much everyday for the last three years. Relationship or no relationship, there was a bond and a comfort to having him around. So maybe I'm just itching to fill a void. Maybe it'll pass. But in the meantime, its driving me nuts. And I don't have the first clue what to do about the fuck buddies...

A-D-D...A-D-D...Adderall!

2009-11-25T01:00:00.000-08:00

At the suggestion of a close friend who also suffers from depression, I decided to discuss the idea of going on Adderall with my psychiatrist. No, I don't have ADD and I don't have a test to cram for. It turns out, that Adderall is sometimes prescribed to depression sufferers to help compensate for the loss of energy that often occurs. My psychiatrist, who has been listening to me moan about my constant lack of energy for the last 4 years or so, was very responsive to the idea. After a run down on how addictive it can be, why I shouldn't hand it out to my friends and a warning that pharmasists have a habit of giving Adderall takers the third degree, she wrote me a prescription.

So I marched off to my local Walmart, generic Adderall prescription in hand, and braced for the barage of questions I had been warned may come. Instead, I was met with, "Oh, we're gonna have to order that. We'll have it in a week." and "By the way, that'll be $60." Excuuuuse me? You see, I had intentionally marched my health insurance deprived ass into Walmart lured by the advertised $4 generic prescriptions. Apparently, there's a wee bit of fine print they fail to put on those big ol' signs hanging all over the pharmacy section, fine print that excludes Adderall. So, what was a Disability Insurance dependent gal to do? March my butt home, muttering to myself about this country's severe need for universal healthcare, and start calling every pharmacy in town advertising low cost generic prescriptions. I settled upon Costco, who quoted me $30 for the prescription they would have to order and could be picked up in 5 days. So, approximately one week after getting the prescription, I finally had the pills in hand.

Now, 6 days into my prescription, I'm feeling better than I have in years. I have energy and not in short spurts followed by a sudden need to nap, but energy that lasts all day. Today, I actually got into a "cleaning mood," something I haven't done since before the depression. I enthusiastically cleaned the kitchen and bathroom and I didn't even need a nap afterward. I can't even explain how happy this makes me. In the years that I've dealt with depression, the severity of the depression itself has varied and while my energy would increase somewhat during the periods when I was feeling pretty good, it seemed that regardless of how good I was feeling, my energy level never returned to what it was prior to the onset of depression. It is a problem that has plagued me. During the times when I was well enough to work and be generally productive, I had difficulty maintaining my schedule because I would become tired so easily. The exhaustion would lead to feelings of being overwhelmed which, in turn, would lead to the inevitable return of my depression. As a result, I have remained trapped in a vicious cycle. Over time, I have grown increasingly frustrated by the problem. It has held me back from once again balancing work, school and a social life.

While the medication is still new to my system and the results may change over time, I am very happy with the results I have experienced thus far and can only hope that it will continue to be so helpful. On the other hand, I worry that I will never be able to achieve this without Adderall. I would rather not be dependent upon any medication to function. My hope is that the Adderall will provide me with the jump start that I need to get back into the swing of things and that at some point down the line I can slowly wean off of the medication and my body will be able to compensate. Furthermore, Adderall is a highly addictive drug. Its generic name is Amphetamine Salts. In lay man's terms, prescription speed. Oh goody. But I'm gonna take it one day at a time and make the most of the energy I have, while I have it.

Spirituality...Examined

2009-10-17T00:26:00.000-07:00

There seemed to be a bit of a theme to my day yesterday, Spirituality. That's kind of unusual for me. I don't typically spend a whole lot of time focusing on my Higher Power. For me, I recognize that there is something out there that is bigger than me, but I pretty much leave it at that. And when it comes to religion...well, I don't do religion. Don't get me wrong, it fascinates the hell out of me, but in the same way a car accident on the freeway fascinates me. I suppose it's a morbid fascination. In the event that I do discuss religion, it's usually in the context of me tearing organized religion to shreds, much to the dismay of some poor, unassuming church goer. However, yesterday was a different experience entirely.

It began in group therapy. One of my fellow depression sufferers mentioned that he doesn't believe in a higher power. He went on to discuss his negative experiences with Roman Catholicism. This turned into an hour long discussion about religion, spirituality and the belief in a higher power. Strangely, I found myself arguing for the belief in a higher power (a very unusual position for me). I was hearing from him an intrinsic association of religion and spirituality, an association I know all too well. I spent much of my life rejecting anything relating to religion, spirituality and god because they were inseperable. While, I still choose not use the term god, because I feel that it is too closely associated with an interpretation of a higher power that is held by organized religions, I do feel strongly about the existence of a higher power. However, it has taken me a lot of soul searching and education to understand the inherent difference between the two concepts, religion and spirituality. So, I felt for this guy. But the experience was bigger than that. I also found myself being able to see eye to eye with a woman, who is very much a Christian ,on the matter of god/higher power speaking to you/showing you the way/the universe giving you a sign or whatever you choose to call it. And while she spoke of it in terms of praying to god before she read the bible and finding that god will guide her to the writings that she really needs to read at that time, I could understand that in terms of the universe giving me a sign (i.e. coming down with a cold that forces me into bed when I'm already feeling overwhelmed). I can honestly say, I have never experienced that type of understanding between myself and a religious person when it comes to experiencing ones spirituality. It was kind of enlightening.

Later that evening, I, along with my mom, sister, niece and a few friends, attended a service at a church where the pastor is a Medium. Since the passing of my brother-in-law, my family and his have developed a great interest in the ability of Mediums to connect with the dead. About a week ago, the sister of my brother-in-law, met with a Medium privately. Her experience with the Medium was very convincing. The woman communicated with my brother-in-law and revealed to his sister pieces of information that were very specific to my brother-in-law and his death. So, last night, we decided to try it for ourselves. The Medium did connect with my brother-in-law, as well as, my maternal grandparents and while it wasn't as convincing as my sister-in-law's experience, it still had me in tears. I'm still on the fence regarding my faith in the power of Mediums, but I'm certainly considering the possibility.

So, all in all, my day was filled with spiritual awakening, I suppose. As I wrote that, I found myself cringing at how very cliche it sounds, but for lack of a better term, I'm sticking with spiritual awakening.

90...and Counting

2009-10-11T19:12:00.001-07:00

Last night, I joined my mom, sister and niece in giving my dad a cake at a CA (Cocaine Anonymous) meeting for his 20th sobriety birthday. It was an interesting experience. We did the same thing last year for his 19th birthday and I spent most of the meeting outside on the phone talking about how much I wanted to get high. This year, having been marijuana free for over 90 days, I had a whole different perspective.

I've never been a fan of the 12 Step ideology. My dad got sober when I was five and I probably knew the 12 Steps before I knew how to write my own name. As a little girl, I frequently accompanied him to meetings. I've always had a sense of pride about my father's sobriety and have a great deal of respect for anyone who has conquered their addiction. But as I grew up and developed my sense of understanding about the existance of a higher power, the 12 Step program didn't really fit with my feelings on the topic. They always talked about God, and I didn't do God. When I began to identify some of the issues I held with my father, most of which revolved around his addiction, I tried Al-anon. But it just wasn't my thing. I spent so much time trying to block out all that God mumbo-jumbo, that I wasn't hearing much of anything.

The outpatient program I do, uses the 12 Steps, but within their own program. And while I still have issues with a lot of it, it is a better fit for me. Quitting marijuana was never going to be the solution to my problem. My issues lay in the mental and emotional realm. For me, marijuana use was meerly a vain attempt at self-help. I still don't see myself as an addict. I had a substanse abuse problem.

When I started smoking, it was for fun. Something to do once in a while, like drinking. It stayed that way for a long time, for as long as I was healthy. But as my depression crept back up, my motivation for smoking changed. I was getting high to avoid dealing with all the feelings I was having. And before long, I was pretty much always high. Once I sought treatment and began to recieve the help I really needed, quitting marijuana was easy. It was never the solution I was looking for.

On Thursday, I hit 90 days of sobriety. Now, I should be honest and admit that I still drink. And if I were to tell one of my counselors or someone in a 12 Step program, they would tell me that I don't have a single day of sobriety. But like I said...I still have my issues with the program. I'm very proud of my accomplishment. Honestly, I didn't think it would be as easy as it has been. I don't know if I'll ever smoke again. I've kind of lost interest, but that could always change.

I've made a lot of headway since I quit. I'll never know how much of that is due to sobriety and how much is a result of intensive treatment and medication, but I don't doubt that it helped.

Drugs and Depression

2009-10-02T01:11:00.000-07:00

I'd like to start this post by mentioning that I took a Xanex about 30 minutes ago. And for some reason, in spite of my typically high tolerance for drugs (I consider 4 advil to be a minimal dose), Xanex fucks me up. So, if this post turns out to be an incomprehensible rambling mess, you can't say I didn't warn you.

I grew up with a mother who tended to lean towards the holistic persuasion when it came to health care. I still remember the first time I took an antibiotic, because it was such a big deal. It was Christmas. I was in fourth grade. I had the worst flu I've ever come down with. I actually slept through Christmas dinner and present opening festivities. In my house, when you scraped your knee or got a cat scratch, you went out to the backyard and plucked off a leaf from the aloe plant. And while my family has become gradually less holistic over the years, the idea of taking anti-depressants was, at first, a little daunting.

When I was first prescribed an anti-depressant, it wasn't for depression at all. It was to help me quit smoking. Ya, a lot of good that did. Well, it worked for awhile. Then I started having panic attacks, so I got another prescription for a different anti-depressant. Ironically, however, my depression began not long after that. I often wonder if the two are connected, but that's neither here nor there. Since then I've been through my fair share of anti-depressant drug cocktails.

Unfortunately, these drugs aren't exactly magic happy pills. Each one comes with its own laundry list of side effects. Some of my favorites include excessive sweating, insomnia and weight gain. And if you can stand the side effects, you still have to do all the hard work yourself. But, in spite of all these "perks," I swear by them.

You see, there has been more than one incident where I decided that I didn't need those pesky little pills. Both times I found myself in an intensive outpatient program, jobless and living with my mother. So, reluctantly, I've come to terms with the fact that anti-depressants and I share an inseparable bond. And just maybe, we'll live happily ever after together.

Dating Dot Com

2009-09-30T21:24:00.000-07:00

After nearly a year of being a single gal, I'm beginning to get that itch again...the dating itch. Recently, I've found myself swooning at romantic movies and daydreaming about first kisses like an innocent 7th grader. So, do I jump back in? Oh, if only it were so simple...

For starters, my last two relationships occurred practically back to back. Which means, the last time I dated I was nineteen. Something tells me, the rules of the dating game have changed a little since then. I'm no longer some college kid and neither are the guys my age. We're adults now with jobs, bills and our own places, theoretically. And I'm guessing many of them are looking to settle down and start a family, two things I'm not particularly interested in doing anytime in the near future.

And where the heck am I supposed to find these supposedly adult men? At a bar? Correct me if I'm wrong but, being felt up by some drunk guy I've never seen before who's primary intention is probably getting into my pants doesn't exactly seem like a sure fire way to hook myself a relationship-worthy guy. At work? Well, the obvious problem here is that I'm not working. But for the purpose of this discussion, lets suppose I did have a job. I work with kids, usually in a school setting. Not exactly a hot spot for young, single guys...or any guys at all for that matter. Okay, so what about when I go out with friends? Our general activities involve going to the movies, hanging out in my friend's jacuzzi or eating. Not exactly prime environments for meeting new people. And on the rare occasion that I do attend a party, it's usually in a small, more kick-back-esque situation than a big party with lots of new people to mingle with.

So, having exhausted my ideas, I'm flirting with internet dating. I know plenty of people who have had success with this method and hell, my last relationship was sort of the result of the internet (its a long story...). So why not? I'm plagued by all the negativity about the idea. Its so frequently joked about, which is odd considering how popular it really is. But I decided to be brave and push past all the critisisms. I figured, if I was gonna do it, I was going to be serious about it. So, I ran a google search for top-rated, free dating sites (hey, I'm on a fixed income here and besides, the concept of paying for a dating site seems like some diluted form of prositution). After reading a few articles and making a mental note of the sites that came up repeatedly, I took the plunge.

OKCupid topped my mental list of highly rated dating sites, not only because of its popularity, but it actually uses questions to match people much like many of the pay for dating sites. So I decided to start there. I forked over all the usual info (age, race, location, yada, yada) and voila, I'm now the proud owner of an OKCupid profile. I quickly discovered, that was the easy part. When I went to edit my profile, I was inundated by all those aweful questions I never quite know how to answer. "What am I really good at?" I hate bragging about myself. "What am I doing with my life?" Well, I'm in an outpatient mental health program... "What are the first things others notice about me?" I don't know, ask them. "What are your favorite books, movies, music and food?" Okay, who decided to stick favorite foods with books, movies and music? "On Friday night I am usually..." Umm, sitting at home, watching tv with my ex-boyfriend. Do you wanna date me yet?

This brings me to my last and biggest issue with this whole dating thing... I live with my ex-boyfriend. And by live with I mean I share my room, bed and most of my spare time with him. He is one of my closest friends. So suppose I do manage to score a date and even more amazingly, we hit it off and continue dating. How and at what point exactly do I work this little tidbit about my life into casual conversation without sending my new boy toy running for the hills?

As for answering all those awful probing profile questions, I've learned from reading others' profiles that most people use humor to approach them. This seems like a great solution, but I keep hearing my counselor in the back of my head reminding me how I like to use humor as a defense mechanism, which makes it seem like a poor approach to meeting potential new boyfriends. But, if I approach the questions seriously, I fear I'll sound awful dull next to all those clever, witty responses everyone else is providing. Is there a happy medium to be found? Funny, yet honest, I suppose.

Something tells me this internet dating thing is gonna take a lot more effort than I anticipated. No short cuts to finding love...bummer.

In Search of Rainbows

2009-09-25T22:27:00.000-07:00

By the end of the 2005 fall semester, I was sleeping constantly, failing my classes, out of a job and my relationship was falling apart. So, I took a leave of absence from school and moved back home. I hung on to my failing relationship for a few more months, feeling that it was all I had left. At this point, I was spending most of my time in bed, watching tv or on my laptop. I cut myself off from my friends and eventually from my boyfriend.

By summer, my mother was finally fed up with my moping around and insisted that I seek help. The daily, outpatient treatment I received helped and things began to look up. By the end of the year I was in a great relationship and by the following summer I was working again. That was the summer of 2007. Although I was shifting jobs frequently, I was managing to stay employed and in early 2008, my boyfriend and I moved into our own place.

Unfortunately, this euphoria was very temporary. Soon after we moved into our apartment, the depression began to creep back up. Ignorantly, I ignored all the tell tale signs and went on as though everything was fine. By the next summer, I had lost my job, my relationship was falling apart and I was miserable. I buried myself in a cloud of pot smoke and continued to pretend. I managed to 'fake it' until the spring of this year. Then, I crashed and burned...again.

But this time, it was different. I realized that I had spent the last 4 years of my life in various states of depression. Even at the best times, I still wasn't the person I had once been. Now, don't get me wrong, I know time changes people and I don't expect to come out on the other end unchanged, but I do expect to be up to par with the person I once was. I feel as though these past four years have been somewhat wasted. I've missed out on so much during that time. So, this time around, I wasn't hopeless and wallowing. Instead, I was frustrated and pissed off, both of which are great motivators.

I am determined to kick this depression thing once and for all. I want to be the person I know I can be, vibrant and full of life, social and outgoing, high achieving and goal oriented, passionate and driven. It is those things that I miss about myself and I have every intention of rediscovering them.

It's not an easy task. In fact, it's quite a battle and a hell of a lot of work! Furthermore, its not something that happens overnight. Which is, perhaps, the most frustrating part. With all the time and work that I put into getting better, I often wish I could just wake up one morning and be that person again. But, instead it's a series of baby steps.

For the last three and a half months I've been in a treatment program, two and a half hours a day, five days a week. On top of the time spent in group therapy, I also have homework for the program. Once a week, I see a therapist, one-on-one. As a stipulation of the program, I quit smoking pot. After three and a half months, I feel a lot better. I am much stronger emotionally. I get out of bed everyday. I occasionally go out with friends. This month, I started a class at a community college. And I am looking for part-time work. I have come a long way, but there's still a long road ahead of me.

In spite of all my hard work, my energy level is still very low. I have very little to do on a daily basis, but still require a nap every afternoon. I worry about getting burnt out once I start working again. I have difficulty getting done the things I have to do on a daily basis because my motivation is still very poor. There are so many things I want to be doing, but I can't seem to get myself to do them. And I still can't imagine being a full-time student and holding down a job, or the idea of having my own apartment again.

There is a long road ahead of me, but I can see the rainbow at end of it now, even if it is still a ways off.

Chapter Twenty-Five, Page One

2009-09-23T22:40:00.000-07:00

Sixteen days ago, I turned 25. I found myself kicking and screaming my way to my birthday this year. I felt scared. As though turning 25 meant I was officially an adult. Adulthood means mailboxes filled with bills, dull staff meetings and endless responsibilities. And, honestly, who wants that? On the other hand, I felt unprepared for this so called milestone. Unprepared in the sense that I don't yet fit the description of an 'adult.' In fact, I think I was doing a better job of fitting the bill at age 20 than I do now.

You see, four years ago, I was a full-time student at a highly esteemed four-year college, a highly paid swimming pool manager, the owner of a new car, in a serious, long term relationship and living on my own. From the outside, I was pretty damned successful for a 21 year old and my prospects looked bright. Unfortunately, from the inside, the view was very different. On the inside, I was quickly slipping into a deep, dark depression. Within a few months, my life had fallen apart. I had quit school and moved back home. I've been battling depression ever since.

So, as I turned 25, I looked at my life...living at home with my mother, out of work, on state disability and in a treatment program for depression and anxiety. Not exactly what I want to put on my next resume.

But I realized, it's okay and I'm probably not the only one.

Hence, my motivation for starting this blog. Well, I suppose it's threefold. First and foremost, it's selfish really. Writing is a great outlet and journaling has been recommended to me by many, both professional and otherwise. I chose to start a blog, rather than journal privately for two reasons. One, I like the prospect of getting feedback on my writing. And two, for the sake of all the other people out there, particularly young adults, who suffer from depression. There's such a taboo surrounding depression that it too often goes undiscussed. Also, due to the anti-social nature of the illness, I think the internet is a great venue for depression suffers to connect with one another.

My intention is not to focus entirely on depression as an illness, but more to use this blog as an outlet for my feelings as I journey through this battle. I'll probably end up writing a lot about day-to-day stuff. And when it comes down to it, that's really the heart of this battle - to learn how to handle all the mundane day-to-day mumbo-jumbo in a healthy, productive way.

So, I encourage you to offer your feedback and pass this blog on to others.