Reflections on 2009

Is it just me, or do you cringe when you hear the term New Year's Resolutions?  It drudges up the memory of all those lists made, each year, with the best of intentions, that inevitibly end up buried in my journal or discarded in a cleaning frenzy.  But regardless of my feelings about the idea, every year, without fail, I am compelled to make a new list.

This year, I've decided to blog my resolutions.  So the theory is, if I put it where other people can actually see it, there is the added element of accountability.

Resolutions Goals and Ambitions 2010

1. Continue to maintain and improve my mental/emotional well being.
2. Remain marijuana and cigarette free.
3. Make my overall health a priority (get enough sleep, be concious of what I'm putting in my body, exercise more, treat my body well).
4. Swim regularly.
5. Establish and maintain healthy relationships. Socialize more (reconnect with friends I've isolated from and make new friends).
6. Learn to feel complete without being in a relationship.
7. Continue to work towards completing my Bachelor's degree.
8. Successfully maintain a job.
9. Continue to explore my own spirituality.
10. Complete the 12 steps.
11. Don't make promises I can't keep and keep the promises I make.
12. Be less judgemental, more positive and more accepting.
13. Break away from/resolve/restructure unhealthy relationships.
14. Work towards finacial stability and independence.
15. Read more. Write more. Blog more. Put my creativity to use regularly.
16. Be accountable, reliable and dependable.
17. Procrastinate less.

I know what you're thinking.  That's a pretty serious list there, especially for someone who admits they never hold themselves to said list.  But let's reflect. Items 1, 2, 5, 7, 9, 10, 12, 15, 16 and 17 are all things I have already begun to work on.  I'm meerly acknowledging the importance of continuing to work on these things.  So that leaves only 7 items that I have to start working towards.  I tried not to make my goals definitive.  For instance, I want to work toward financial stability and independence, rather than achieve it.  I'm being realistic.  The economy sucks and who knows what the next year will bring.  The best I can do is to put the effort forth to make progress in this department, whether that means beginning to pay off my debt, starting a savings account or just getting more responsible about not incurring more debt, who knows.  It all depends on what lays ahead, but the intention is to focus on that long-term goal and do what I can to make baby steps in that right direction.

So, perhaps, at the end of 2010, I will actually be able to look back and check off some of that list.  The goal is not to set myself up for failure.  This year has been rough, to say the least, and next year is already shaping up to be another year of challenges, but, right now, I feel much more prepared to field those challenges as they come.  Instead of derailing me, as many of this year's challenges did, I am confident that next year, I will be able to take life's challenges in stride.

I've made it through a lot this year and I feel it's important to reflect on that.  So here's a brief year in review, in no particular order...

Lived with my ex-boyfriend for 11 months of the year; Took medical leave from work due to depression; Checked into an Intensive Outpatient Program for depression; Death of my brother-in-law; Quitting marijuana; Quitting cigarettes; Moving out of my own apt and back in with mom, sis and niece;  Sis and niece moved into their own place; Went on temporary Disability; Lost my health insurance; Turned 25; Maddi's 1st birthday; Trip to Indiana/Illinois with Dan; Trip to San Louis Obispo; Car got reposessed; Got another car; Ongoing financial struggle; Made new friends; Distanced myself from not so good friends; Went back to school; Lots and lots of therapy; Got closer to my family; Started swimming again, sometimes; Death of my paternal grandmother; Death of an old friend; Way too many funerals; Discovering/experiencing mediumship; Exploring my spirituality; Started a blog; Got my driver's license back; Dad diagnosed with cancer; Feeling healthier; Spent time with old friends; Hundreds of tears shed; Thousands of memories made.

In spite of all the challenges that this past year has brought, I've grown a lot and I'm in a much better place now than I was at the year's start.  And as difficult as all those bumps in the road were, I know that they greatly contributed to my growth and healing.  The death of my brother in law has definitely been the single most life altering event of the year.  His passing has brought me closer to my family, introduced me to new and wonderful people, invited me to explore my spirituality in new and thought provoking ways, appreciate the preciousness of life and has greatly incouraged and influenced my own healing and personal growth and I want to acknowledge the importance of that.  Observing those around me, I know that I am not the only one who has experienced the positive ripple effect of his passing.  I can only hope, that where ever he is now, that he is aware and can appreciate the gifts that he has given us all.

So, with a great sense of relief and just a touch of sadness, I say goodbye to 2009.  And with anticipation, hope and a big, deep breath, I welcome the coming of 2010 and all that it may bring.

Happy New Year everyone!  Please be safe and responsible tonight.  See you next year!

Fuck Buddies

NOTE:  For those of you who read my blog and don't feel the need to know the intricacies of my sex life - ahem, mom, this means you - might I recommend that you skip right on over this post.  Now you can't say I didn't warn you. =)

So it seems that along with all the energy that the Adderall has provided me, comes a renewed sex drive.  And this has its plusses and minuses.

Plus:  Umm, where have you been for the last couple of years?  I was starting to think you weren't gonna make a reappearance.  I've missed you so!

Minus:  Ya, I could have used you during that last relationship I was in.  And I'm sure he would have appreciated your presence too.

Plus:  Mentally/emotionally the timing is great considering I might actually be capable of handling a functional relationship these days.

Minus:  I'm not currently in a relationship.  And considering my sex drive had taken a long leave of absense, I'm not exactly prepared to meet the needs of its sudden return!  Hence, sexual frustration.

Since then end of my last relationship...okay, lets be honest...since before the end of my last relationship, I haven't wanted to be involved with anyone.  So, I worked out a nice little arrangement with an old friend - ahem, ex-boyfriend I still have feelings for - where we meet every couple of weeks and work up a little sweat between the sheets.  And for more than a year now, this has been working really well.  I've managed to keep the remnants of my sex drive satisfied and therefore, haven't gone out in search of a relationship I didn't want and certainly couldn't handle.  With the sudden return of my sex drive, this little arrangement is no longer keeping my carnal urges in check.  So, naturally, I found someone else to pick up the slack.  Perfect solution, right?  Ya, that's what I thought...

And then, while I was busying myself sending the new boy toy dirty text messages, he responds with "Hey, can't really talk, I'm hanging out with my girl."  Umm, your girl?  Translation:  His ex that he said he was bored with, but is for some reason still hanging out with.  Granted, we're just sleeping together, so I shouldn't give two shits about what he's doing on his own time.  Which is exactly why I got really uncomfortable when I felt a pang of jealousy in my chest upon reading that.  And that's when I realized, it was time to own up to the fact that "just sex" isn't really what I wanted from him.  But instead of listening to my feelings in the first place, I let my hormones get the better of me.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I'm developing a pattern.  I get myself into these purely sexual relationships with guys that are totally emotionally unavailable.  Which would be perfect...if I didn't want the emotional end of it too.

So now I've got these 2 "fuck buddies," if you will...

Fuck buddy #1 is an ex-boyfriend, who has an on again, off again girlfriend he's hopelessly and madly in love with.  I came out of our relationship a complete emotional trainwreck and I, at least, have the common sense to know I can never go down that road again, but obviously, that doesn't stop me from sleeping with him.  And I can tell you that its the best sex I've ever had until the cows come home, but that's not really why I keep sleeping with him.  It's because its comfortable and comforting and I still get that emotional fullfilment when I'm with him.

Fuck buddy #2 is a guy I know from the treatment program I'm in (because where better to find emotionally unavailable guys!).  I realized I was attracted to him a month or two ago, but was leary of going there considering we are in therapy together, which could get awkward.  That was, until my sex drive made a sudden reappearance.  Then, instead of being patient and playing it the way I really wanted to, to see if he was really interested in me, I propositioned him...for sex.  Subtle, I know.

I should probably mention that we've only slept together once and I've had a rough week, so maybe I'm blowing this entire thing out of proportion and I should just chill the fuck out, but that's neither here nor there.

After we slept together, I noticed a few things.  One, I was totally bummed we didn't cuddle, which, if it was just sex, I would have cared less about.  Two, even though the sex was good, what I kept thinking about was kissing him and the way his arms felt around me...you know, the sappy stuff.  So, I was already beginning to think that maybe I'd let my sex drive dictate and that it was backfiring on me.  Then, when I got that text message and felt that twinge of jealousy, I was sure.  But what do I do?  Have the "I want more than just sex...I'm emotionally attached" talk?  Ugh...could I be more of a girl?  I hate taking on that role.  I'd much rather play the one in control, not the needy one.

Above and beyond the flesh and blood men in my life, I recently been feeling lonely and I sense that desire for a relationship creeping back in, which honestly, I'm not thrilled about.  I was happy, being happily single. 

There are a few outside factors that could be contributing to this sudden urge.  One, its winter and there's always been something about the cold and the rain that just makes me want to be with someone.  Two, my live-in, ex-boyfriend has finally flown the coop.  While it was definately beyond time for that to happen and I'm glad he's moved out, he has been there, pretty much everyday for the last three years.  Relationship or no relationship, there was a bond and a comfort to having him around.  So maybe I'm just itching to fill a void.  Maybe it'll pass.  But in the meantime, its driving me nuts.  And I don't have the first clue what to do about the fuck buddies...