Dating Dot Com

After nearly a year of being a single gal, I'm beginning to get that itch again...the dating itch.  Recently, I've found myself swooning at romantic movies and daydreaming about first kisses like an innocent 7th grader.  So, do I jump back in?  Oh, if only it were so simple...

For starters, my last two relationships occurred practically back to back.  Which means, the last time I dated I was nineteen.  Something tells me, the rules of the dating game have changed a little since then.  I'm no longer some college kid and neither are the guys my age.  We're adults now with jobs, bills and our own places, theoretically.  And I'm guessing many of them are looking to settle down and start a family, two things I'm not particularly interested in doing anytime in the near future.

And where the heck am I supposed to find these supposedly adult men?  At a bar?  Correct me if I'm wrong but, being felt up by some drunk guy I've never seen before who's primary intention is probably getting into my pants doesn't exactly seem like a sure fire way to hook myself a relationship-worthy guy.  At work?  Well, the obvious problem here is that I'm not working.  But for the purpose of this discussion, lets suppose I did have a job.  I work with kids, usually in a school setting.  Not exactly a hot spot for young, single guys...or any guys at all for that matter.  Okay, so what about when I go out with friends?  Our general activities involve going to the movies, hanging out in my friend's jacuzzi or eating.  Not exactly prime environments for meeting new people.  And on the rare occasion that I do attend a party, it's usually in a small, more kick-back-esque situation than a big party with lots of new people to mingle with.

So, having exhausted my ideas, I'm flirting with internet dating.  I know plenty of people who have had success with this method and hell, my last relationship was sort of the result of the internet (its a long story...).  So why not?  I'm plagued by all the negativity about the idea.  Its so frequently joked about, which is odd considering how popular it really is.  But I decided to be brave and push past all the critisisms.  I figured, if I was gonna do it, I was going to be serious about it.  So, I ran a google search for top-rated, free dating sites (hey, I'm on a fixed income here and besides, the concept of paying for a dating site seems like some diluted form of prositution).  After reading a few articles and making a mental note of the sites that came up repeatedly, I took the plunge.

OKCupid topped my mental list of highly rated dating sites, not only because of  its popularity, but it actually uses questions to match people much like many of the pay for dating sites. So I decided to start there.  I forked over all the usual info (age, race, location, yada, yada) and voila, I'm now the proud owner of an OKCupid profile.  I quickly discovered, that was the easy part.  When I went to edit my profile, I was inundated by all those aweful questions I never quite know how to answer.  "What am I really good at?"  I hate bragging about myself.  "What am I doing with my life?"  Well, I'm in an outpatient mental health program...  "What are the first things others notice about me?"  I don't know, ask them.  "What are your favorite books, movies, music and food?"  Okay, who decided to stick favorite foods with books, movies and music?  "On Friday night I am usually..."  Umm, sitting at home, watching tv with my ex-boyfriend.  Do you wanna date me yet?

This brings me to my last and biggest issue with this whole dating thing... I live with my ex-boyfriend.  And by live with I mean I share my room, bed and most of my spare time with him.  He is one of my closest friends.  So suppose I do manage to score a date and even more amazingly, we hit it off and continue dating.  How and at what point exactly do I work this little tidbit about my life into casual conversation without sending my new boy toy running for the hills?

As for answering all those awful probing profile questions, I've learned from reading others' profiles that most people use humor to approach them.  This seems like a great solution, but I keep hearing my counselor in the back of my head reminding me how I like to use humor as a defense mechanism, which makes it seem like a poor approach to meeting potential new boyfriends.  But, if I approach the questions seriously, I fear I'll sound awful dull next to all those clever, witty responses everyone else is providing.  Is there a happy medium to be found?  Funny, yet honest, I suppose.

Something tells me this internet dating thing is gonna take a lot more effort than I anticipated.  No short cuts to finding love...bummer.

In Search of Rainbows

By the end of the 2005 fall semester, I was sleeping constantly, failing my classes, out of a job and my relationship was falling apart.  So, I took a leave of absence from school and moved back home.  I hung on to my failing relationship for a few more months, feeling that it was all I had left.  At this point, I was spending most of my time in bed, watching tv or on my laptop.  I cut myself off from my friends and eventually from my boyfriend.

By summer, my mother was finally fed up with my moping around and insisted that I seek help.  The daily, outpatient treatment I received helped and things began to look up.  By the end of the year I was in a great relationship and by the following summer I was working again.  That was the summer of 2007.  Although I was shifting jobs frequently, I was managing to stay employed and in early 2008, my boyfriend and I moved into our own place.

Unfortunately,  this euphoria was very temporary.  Soon after we moved into our apartment, the depression began to creep back up.  Ignorantly, I ignored all the tell tale signs and went on as though everything was fine.  By the next summer, I had lost my job, my relationship was falling apart and I was miserable.  I buried myself in a cloud of pot smoke and continued to pretend.  I managed to 'fake it' until the spring of this year.  Then, I crashed and burned...again.

But this time, it was different.  I realized that I had spent the last 4 years of my life in various states of depression.  Even at the best times, I still wasn't the person I had once been.  Now, don't get me wrong, I know time changes people and I don't expect to come out on the other end unchanged, but I do expect to be up to par with the person I once was.  I feel as though these past four years have been somewhat wasted.  I've missed out on so much during that time.  So, this time around, I wasn't hopeless and wallowing.  Instead, I was frustrated and pissed off, both of which are great motivators.

I am determined to kick this depression thing once and for all.  I want to be the person I know I can be, vibrant and full of life, social and outgoing, high achieving and goal oriented, passionate and driven.  It is those things that I miss about myself and I have every intention of rediscovering them.

It's not an easy task.  In fact, it's quite a battle and a hell of a lot of work!  Furthermore, its not something that happens overnight.  Which is, perhaps, the most frustrating part.  With all the time and work that I put into getting better, I often wish I could just wake up one morning and be that person again.  But, instead it's a series of baby steps.

For the last three and a half months I've been in a treatment program, two and a half hours a day, five days a week.  On top of the time spent in group therapy, I also have homework for the program.  Once a week, I see a therapist, one-on-one.  As a stipulation of the program, I quit smoking pot.  After three and a half months, I feel a lot better.  I am much stronger emotionally.  I get out of bed everyday.  I occasionally go out with friends.  This month, I started a class at a community college.  And I am looking for part-time work.  I have come a long way, but there's still a long road ahead of me.

In spite of all my hard work, my energy level is still very low.  I have very little to do on a daily basis, but still require a nap every afternoon.  I worry about getting burnt out once I start working again.  I have difficulty getting done the things I have to do on a daily basis because my motivation is still very poor.  There are so many things I want to be doing, but I can't seem to get myself to do them.  And I still can't imagine being a full-time student and holding down a job, or the idea of having my own apartment again.

There is a long road ahead of me, but I can see the rainbow at end of it now, even if it is still a ways off.

Chapter Twenty-Five, Page One

Sixteen days ago, I turned 25.  I found myself kicking and screaming my way to my birthday this year.  I felt scared.  As though turning 25 meant I was officially an adult.  Adulthood means mailboxes filled with bills, dull staff meetings and endless responsibilities.  And, honestly, who wants that?  On the other hand, I felt unprepared for this so called milestone.  Unprepared in the sense that I don't yet fit the description of  an 'adult.'  In fact, I think I was doing a better job of fitting the bill at age 20 than I do now.

You see, four years ago, I was a full-time student at a highly esteemed four-year college, a highly paid swimming pool manager, the owner of a new car, in a serious, long term relationship and living on my own.  From the outside, I was pretty damned successful for a 21 year old and my prospects looked bright.  Unfortunately, from the inside, the view was very different.  On the inside, I was quickly slipping into a  deep, dark depression.  Within a few months, my life had fallen apart.  I had quit school and moved back home.  I've been battling depression ever since.

So, as I turned 25, I looked at my life...living at home with my mother, out of work, on state disability and in a treatment program for depression and anxiety.  Not exactly what I want to put on my next resume.

But I realized, it's okay and I'm probably not the only one.

Hence, my motivation for starting this blog.  Well, I suppose it's threefold.  First and foremost, it's selfish really.  Writing is a great outlet and journaling has been recommended to me by many, both professional and otherwise.  I chose to start a blog, rather than journal privately for two reasons.  One, I like the prospect of getting feedback on my writing.  And two, for the sake of all the other people out there, particularly young adults, who suffer from depression.  There's such a taboo surrounding depression that it too often goes undiscussed.  Also, due to the anti-social nature of the illness, I think the internet is a great venue for depression suffers to connect with one another.

My intention is not to focus entirely on depression as an illness, but more to use this blog as an outlet for my feelings as I journey through this battle.  I'll probably end up writing a lot about day-to-day stuff.  And when it comes down to it, that's really the heart of this battle - to learn how to handle all the mundane day-to-day mumbo-jumbo in a healthy, productive way.

So, I encourage you to offer your feedback and pass this blog on to others.